August 7, 2023

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the voice that so many of us have in our heads.  For many this voice is critical; it shares the things we don’t want to believe are true about ourselves.  “You’re not good enough… You don’t have enough experience… You’re not smart enough… Everyone here is better than you,” and so many more.  This is sometimes described as an inner dialogue, self-talk, or your inner voice, and leads us to believe we have imposter syndrome, a condition that we have to overcome.  

I’ve become interested in this since I was part of a women’s leadership mastermind group.  The group was consistently talking about how we had to overcome the thoughts in our heads.  I always thought that these were hypothetical thoughts, verbiage designed to help us overcome fear—I mean who has a voice telling them they are stupid all the time?!?  Then I saw an article that talked about how prevalent imposter syndrome was and how some people didn’t have a voice that said these things (I couldn’t find the exact article to link it here as this conversation was several years ago, however many have been written on the topic).  This was the first time I considered that this wasn’t a leader working to understand how some people might feel inadequate, but instead that some people HAVE a voice that tells them these things.  When I mentioned to my coach that I didn’t have this voice, she freaked out!  She had never had a client who didn’t relate to what she was saying and didn’t have an inner voice that was critical and needed overcoming.

I recently saw a friend perform at Shoreline Amphitheater in California.  He has worked tirelessly pursuing his dreams and frequently talks about how he got his start.  It came from validation.  He had an opportunity to be on stage and share his art, his work, and his words; and after the show was told, (I paraphrase) “Hey, that was pretty great, can you do that again?” He got positive feedback doing something he loved, and so had the motivation to keep doing it.  He has been called the “Cult Icon of Hip Hop Culture” in the early 2000s by the Seattle Weekly and he continues to write about what he cares about, make music, and share it with the world.  He also doesn’t have an inner critical voice.

But the majority of the population does, so how can we support them to have a positive inner dialogue as they grow up?  How much more interesting would society be if we all had the esteem and confidence to follow our ideas and our dreams?  The inner voice isn’t real, but it feels real, and it creates real barriers to action for many people.  What if it was always positive?

I visited a state park while on vacation and there was a small drama production being put on by a local theater.  We sat in a small outdoor amphitheater and watched the 15-minute performance.  It was called Haunted and the premise was that an actor was being haunted backstage by a ghost who remembered every missed line, missed queue, missed entrance, and botched performance the actor had ever done.  She had to listen to this ghost telling her all her mistakes as she worked to build the confidence to go on stage once more.  It made me consider that this is the voice in so many of our heads, that we need to overcome the past, the fears, the mistakes, and build confidence and move forward.

The play was a comedy and Sean is a success, but is this because of, or despite, the cultural environment that we have created?  What makes a berating ghost a comedy—it was funny—but why should someone putting someone else down for 15 minutes be funny to us?  

I grew up in the midwest, a culture of ‘Minnesota nice’ and avoidance of conflict while also being brutally honest.  It’s a tricky balance.  But this was a place where people make small talk and bond over complaining about the state of things, the weather, the economy, the neighborhood woes, and then agreeing about it and moving on, never doing anything to change what they can.  I am currently on the east coast, a culture of debate and devil’s advocacy, where a comment is rarely not challenged or countered with another, absolutely definitive, point of view.  It makes me wonder about growing up in these places.  Would the voice in your mind be more agreeable in the Midwest?  More argumentative on the east coast? What would happen if you came from a place where the conversation was a ‘yes and’ style?  Where ideas were consistently validated, where the conversation was supportive and actively worked to gather ideas to make your path a reality, instead of sharing all the reasons it wouldn’t possibly work?  

As parents, adults, and educators, this needs to be our priority.  Making sure that young people know that their ideas are valid, that there are almost always ways to make them happen, and nurturing a positive thought cycle for their inner voices.  Negativity and criticism will come from enough other places, whether it’s part of our community, the media, or our family and colleagues.  There is a meme or a quote that states something to the effect of “Don’t worry that your children don’t hear you, instead worry that they are always listening.” They learn and hear from so much of what we do and say, and what we don’t do and say.  It is our role to be the positive mentor, the voice of encouragement, to do our part to create the positive inner dialogue that says “You can, You are smart enough, You can do hard things, You can do this, You belong.”

You may also be interested in reading more articles written by Tanya Sheckley for Intrepid Ed News.