June 14, 2023

Now that school’s finally over, is your family exhaling a collective sigh of relief? No more harried mornings, frustrating homework sessions, or arguments about bedtime. Time to kick back into the free and easy mode, right? Not exactly. Just because you’ve eliminated school from daily life doesn’t mean there aren’t new summer routines and activities to plan for and adjust to. Perhaps, after a few days of rest and relaxation, family conflicts start to arise. Arguments about screen time, household chores, and curfews can quickly escalate into massive, unpleasant explosions. Maybe the Blobdom-Boredom Matrix has already started to set in: when screen time is over, your child or teen complains about having nothing to do. How can you collaborate as a family to balance different needs and have a satisfying summer? 

Despite their claims for disliking schedules or feeling choked by plans, many neurodivergent kids, especially those with ADHD, benefit from a sense of purpose and some structure to their days along with open-ended time to space out. Having a place to go and something to do keeps them engaged mentally, physically, and socially. Setting up a collaborative summer routine that establishes screen time limits, encourages physical activity, includes time spent outdoors, and lets them pursue an interest is critical to a summer of sanity for everybody. This plan also assists them in continuing whatever progress they’ve made during the school year in terms of building executive functioning skills. Plus, it sets them up for a smoother transition in the fall. 

The key to creating a stress-free summer lies in staying the course with routines you’ve already been following and making some tweaks that are appropriate for this break. Because it’s vacation, there’s probably more flexibility about when to wake up and go to bed, how much screen time makes sense, and establishing curfews for older kids. What doesn’t change are your expectations for cooperation and effort. Whether your child goes to camp, plays organized sports, goes on playdates, plans sleepovers, works at a job, or shoots hoops at the Y, there’s still some type of schedule for each day that correlates to the one they’re accustomed to from the school year. Negotiate these items with your child or teen, letting them take the lead on what they want in terms of when, where, and how before you offer anything. Likewise, collaborate on negotiating very specific limits on screen time, with extra minutes earned for ending the session without a meltdown, leaving the house on time, doing chores, etc. Listen to their input. Then reflect and, if appropriate, make a compromise that you can stick to. That way, you come off as generous and they’ve got more buy-in to the program.  

If your child has some weeks with nothing planned at all, set aside a few moments to chat with them about creating a loose schedule for the unscheduled days. Neurodivergent children and teens typically struggle with time management, organization, and planning so expect to help them with this. Start by dividing the day into chunks of time and allocate these periods to various activities including exercise, projects, screen time, and rest. Include meals and snacks. This doesn’t have to be rigid but it needs to be consistent. Think like a camp counselor with activity periods followed by food and going outside. Use a guided free-choice approach to lay out options for these periods. Generate a list of possibilities, assign two or three to each activity period, and let your child choose what they want to do. When you work together on brainstorming ideas, trying out possible solutions, and aiming for steadiness rather than perfection, your kids feel more empowered and have more buy-in. 

Let’s also remember that kids need real downtime in the summer too. Periods when their brains can drift off, space out, or daydream. This is actually good for all of us but it’s especially important for neurodivergent children and teens. Many parents (and educators) become concerned when they see children or teens daydreaming or spacing out. They wrongfully assume that daydreaming is not ‘productive’ and is therefore a waste of time. However, periodically letting your mind drift is actually good for you. It allows for creativity, exploration, and rest that the brain doesn’t otherwise engage in. The importance of occasional attention wandering is something that author Daniel Goleman refers to as “open awareness” in his book, Focus (2013). It’s a way of perceiving your surroundings without getting caught up in the details; allowing your thoughts to wander freely and spontaneously. This wandering attention is how we come up with new ideas, find inspiration, and problem-solve creatively—which is not only useful but quite productive. Summer is a great time for open awareness. 

Nurture open awareness with daily technology-free time for them and for yourself. Dinners are a great place to start with everybody turning off their devices. If you don’t put your phones or computers down, your kids won’t either. They will call out your “hypocrisy” and get angry that you can answer your phone or be online and they can’t. Consider setting aside another hour per day that is tech-free for them (and yes, maybe you too)—what tweens and teens in my practice call “doing nothing.” In today’s busy and constantly connected world, it can be challenging for all of us to turn off our devices and “do nothing.” Consider making a list of ‘nothing’ activities that foster brain breaks and posting this on your refrigerator. This list will reduce how often you have to answer the question “What should I do now?” and teach your child how to organize themselves and sequence their actions. Examples of low dopamine, “doing nothing” activities are reading, listening to music, playing in the yard, riding a bike, making art, playing with a pet, baking brownies, or taking a walk. We benefit in many ways from zooming out and letting our minds wander. A little bit of doing “nothing” in the summer is often better than constantly doing something.

If there is summer homework, don’t expect your child or teen to do this when you’re not around. Create family work times when you’re doing tasks on the computer and they are studying. Worry less about the ‘summer slide’ and let them be kids for a while. Perhaps loosen up a bit yourself. Leave room for summer spontaneity and fun in your family—times when routines are broken. Do something unexpected such as having breakfast for dinner, driving to a special ice cream shop, going to the beach, or exploring a place nearby that nobody has visited. In other words, ENJOY!

You may also enjoy reading more articles written by Sharon Saline, Psy.D. for Intrepid Ed News.